


Whataya Want From Me

by bazerella



Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: Andrew POV, Discussions of intimacy, Fluff, M/M, Soft Neil Josten/Andrew Minyard, Song fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-09
Updated: 2021-03-09
Packaged: 2021-03-16 05:09:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,687
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29944977
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bazerella/pseuds/bazerella
Summary: Andrew considers intimacy with Neil. Sometimes he can't say yes even when he really wants to, but maybe progress isn't linear and Neil loves him anyway.
Relationships: Neil Josten/Andrew Minyard
Comments: 10
Kudos: 147





	Whataya Want From Me

**Author's Note:**

> [this song](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X1Fqn9du7xo) came on during my drive home from work the other night and this happened. 
> 
> not beta'd so feel free to kindly point out any mistakes you catch :)

_ Hey, slow it down _

_ Whataya want from me _

_ Whataya want from me _

_ Yeah, I'm afraid _

_ Whataya want from me _

_ Whataya want from me _

Andrew Minyard had been through enough therapy to have an above average self awareness. There were times where he could figure out his own feelings without Betsy’s involvement. One way that this was true was with Neil. Neil was something that Andrew never expected, but he would be lying if he didn’t admit that Neil Josten took up the most space in his heart and in his head. 

Navigating his relationship-- yes, he admitted it was a relationship of the romantic kind-- was not something that came easy to him. It required honesty, which came easy to him, and it required vulnerability, which made him deeply uncomfortable. Andrew did not like letting his guard down. 

His relationship with Neil often elicited the same feelings that looking down from a very tall height did. It was scary. It made Andrew afraid. Andrew knew that Neil would never intentionally hurt him. That Neil handled Andrew as though he was glass, not because he thought he was fragile or breakable, but because Neil thought Andrew was someone that deserved to be handled with care. Andrew appreciated it more than he would ever voice. 

However, there was still that nagging feeling in the back of his mind. The one that told him that there was still a chance that Neil could leave him. That Neil could grow tired of Andrew’s laundry list of needs. That Neil will want someone who can tell Neil that they love him instead of indirectly saying it and hoping it’s conveyed in enough actions. 

Andrew knew what he got out of being with Neil. He got someone who respected his boundaries, who showed him unconditional love. He sometimes questioned what exactly it was Neil got out of this relationship and if that was enough. If Neil deserved better. 

_ There might have been a time when I would give myself away _

_ Oh, once upon a time I didn't give a damn _

_ But now, here we are _

_ So whataya want from me _

_ Whataya want from me _

These negative thoughts that kept Andrew’s mind occupied on bad days grew from fear. From Andrew’s own insecurities. If this were a few years ago Andrew would ignore the fear. He would simply eliminate the cause of his fear so he no longer had to feel it. He would break up with Neil, despite Neil being one of the best things in his life, to protect himself. 

Andrew was braver than he was before. 

Neil held Andrew’s cheek in his hand. Neil’s hand was rough and calloused but Andrew quite liked how it felt against his skin. He never thought he’d like any other person’s skin on his own, but here was Neil, defying his expectations as usual. 

They were laying in Andrew’s bed. For some reason, Andrew convinced himself that if the conversation happened under the sheets of his own bed in contrast to Neil’s, he would be more in control. This was ridiculous because Andrew knew that Neil would give up every semblance of control if Andrew asked. Andrew also knew that Neil would never do anything Andrew didn’t want so it didn’t really matter whose bed they were in. 

Andrew’s head was using Neil’s hand as a pillow, his own hands were playing with the strings of Neil’s hoodie. The blanket was covering them completely. They were in their own little world, protected from any outsiders. It was just Andrew and Neil, the way that Andrew wished it could always be. 

“I don’t want you to be anyone but yourself,” Neil said. His voice sounded louder in the tiny space they were occupying. 

“Myself can be annoying,” Andrew pointed out. 

Andrew’s gaze was solely focused on the hoodie strings. Neil used the hand that Andrew wasn’t crushing to tilt his chin up. “Hey,” Neil said. “It’s always yes with you, Andrew. I don’t care if we have to stop. I don’t care if there are some days where you need to be away from me to process your own thoughts. I’m here until you tell me you don't want me to be.” 

“And what about you?” Andrew asked. “What about what you want?” 

Neil smiled and captured Andrew’s hands in his own. “I just want you.” 

_ Just don't give up, I'm workin' it out _

_ Please don't give in, I won't let you down _

_ It messed me up, need a second to breathe _

_ Just keep coming around _

_ Hey, whataya want from me _

_ Whataya want from me _

_ Whataya want from me _

Andrew finally unlocked the door to the bathroom. The night had started out good. There was kissing and touching. Pants were removed. Briefs were almost removed. And then Andrew couldn’t go any further so he went to the bathroom to try and control his breathing. 

He had his lungs functional after about five minutes but there was a feeling that he wasn’t used to feelings so he had kept himself in the bathroom for longer. Andrew Minyard would not apologize for setting boundaries. He would not apologize for the fact that his original “yes” turned into a “no”. And yet he still felt...guilty? Disappointed? Upset with himself. 

Because he wanted to give Neil more. He wanted to be with Neil in the way that couples typically were. He had found his person, his unapologetic, loudmouthed, loyal person and he didn’t want to have these past demons floating around and interfering with what he was trying to create with Neil. 

Neil poked his head in after Andrew unlocked the door but he didn’t come in yet. Unlocking the door wasn’t an official invitation to come in and Neil knew that. 

“You can come in,” Andrew said. 

Neil abided and sat on the fluffy bathroom rug across from Andrew. They were both sitting criss-crossed but there was a significant amount of space that prevented their knees from touching. Neil didn’t ask Andrew if he was okay. He simply waited Andrew out.

“I want more for us,” Andrew started. “But I don’t know if I’m there yet.” 

“That’s okay,” Neil said. “I meant it when I said I’m here until you don’t want me to be. I’m happy with whatever you’re willing to give.” 

“And if I can’t give you anything?” Andrew asked because Neil was being far too kind and Andrew wasn’t always sure how to handle it. 

“Then you can’t give me anything,” Neil shrugged as though that was that. 

Andrew supposed that was it then. 

_ Yeah, it's plain to see (it's plain to see) _

_ That baby you're beautiful _

_ And there's nothing wrong with you (nothing wrong with you) _

_ It's me, I'm a freak (yeah) _

_ But thanks for lovin' me _

_ 'Cause you're doing it perfectly (perfectly) _

“It sounds like Neil cares very much for your comfort,” Betsy commented after Andrew was finished explaining what had happened a few nights before in the bathroom. 

Andrew shrugged. He knows Neil cares for him. That’s the problem. Neil cares so much about Andrew that Andrew sometimes wonders if he’s being selfish. If Andrew is being selfish by holding on to Neil’s promises of ‘always’ and reassurances that he won’t leave unless Andrew tells him to. 

“I don’t know what he wants from me,” Andrew admitted after a moment of silence. 

Betsy hummed. “What makes you think he wants anything more than you? Has he ever expressed that he’s unsatisfied with your relationship?” 

“No,” Andrew said. “It does not seem fair. He knows exactly what to do when I need him. The situation does not seem to matter. I do not know how to make it even.” 

“Relationships are not about being even,” Betsay said. “You are at a point in your life where you need more support from Neil. There will be days where Neil needs more support from you and there is no doubt in my mind that you will be able to help Neil the way he is helping you.” 

Andrew supposed that was true. He knew he would not be this way forever. That one day in the future he’ll wake up in a king sized bed with his head pillowed into Neil’s shoulder. That he will not need to take inventory of himself during every instance of intimacy. 

Recovery was a process and Andrew was just at the beginning. It may seem as though there were more bad days than good, but by that logic Andrew knew that at some point it will feel as though there are more good days than bad. 

_ Yeah, there might have been a time when I would let you slip away _

_ I wouldn't even try but I think you could save my life _

Sometimes Andrew liked to divide his life into two parts. Before Neil and After Neil. Before Neil included the time from his birth to when Neil disappeared during the riot and was kidnapped. After Neil included the moment Andrew laid eyes on Neil again in that crappy motel room until the present day. 

That day changed things for Andrew. Andrew had known loss. It was all he had ever known. He had lived with the fear of losing Aaron, of losing Nicky. Even losing Kevin. He had experienced the loss of families that never were. His childhood. His innocence. 

The thought of losing Neil hurt the most. The moments of not knowing if he was ever going to see Neil again filled his veins with rage. 

If Andrew could go back in time, he thought that he would tell his past self that things do actually get better. They don’t get better quickly like he wanted, but he finds his people. He finds his person. 

Andrew never believed in the whole ‘another person can save you’ thing. He still doesn’t. He wouldn’t say Neil necessarily saved his life. Neil perhaps made his life a bit more bearable. Neil maybe convinced Andrew that his life didn’t have to be this black storm cloud forever. That Andrew Minyard deserved more than the shit he’d been given thus far. 

No, Neil Josten did not save Andrew Minyard. Andrew saved himself, but Neil was the one who made him think his life was worth saving in the first place. 

_ Just don't give up, I'm workin' it out _

_ Please don't give in, I won't let you down _

_ It messed me up, need a second to breathe _

_ Just keep coming around _

_ Hey, whataya want from me (whataya want from me) _

_ Whataya want from me _

_ Whataya want from me (whataya want from me) _

It was the third time it happened this week. Where Andrew was so sure of his yes to the point of no return and then at the last second he would panic and say no. Neil was never mad. He was never disappointed. But Andrew was mad. Andrew was disappointed. He didn’t understand why he was unable to do this. 

Neil was safe. Neil was the safest thing Andrew had ever known, the closest he’d ever felt to finding home in a person. 

Andrew was having trouble processing all this so naturally he brought it up with Betsy. 

“I should be able to do it at this point,” Andrew said.

“According to who?” Betsy asked. “Is there a deadline for you to be intimate in this particular way with Neil?” 

“Not that I know of,” Andrew admitted. “But there could be. Maybe Neil has a countdown in his head. Maybe I only get two more free passes before he realizes that he can be with someone easier.” 

Betsy laughed and then immediately put her hand to cover her mouth, as though she hadn’t meant to let the sound out. “I apologize,” Betsy said. “I just...Have you ever known Neil to take the easy route?” 

Andrew smirked despite himself. If there was one thing about Neil Josten, and this was probably Andrew’s favorite thing about the boy, it was that he always chose to be more difficult than necessary. 

“It’s my understanding that Neil has been very transparent about the fact that he is more than okay with whatever you are willing to give him,” Betsy said and then inclined her head to get Andrew’s confirmation. When Andrew nodded, she continued. “You have more time than you think. We can work out your hesitancy and triggers during the next session if you’d like. But I also want to encourage you to be open with Neil. At what points do you feel yourself freeze up? When do you feel the yes turning into a no? I have no reason to doubt that Neil doesn’t want to hear what you have to say, you shouldn’t doubt him either.” 

_ Just don't give up on me _

_ I won't let you down _

_ No, I won't let you down _

“I have been trying to pinpoint it,” Andrew admitted. 

Neil hummed. He was lying on his back, using Andrew’s thighs as a pillow. Andrew refused to look down. It was easier to talk when he stared straight at the paused television instead of into Neil’s eyes. 

“It is difficult,” Andrew said. “Because I have wanted to stop at a different point each time.” 

“You don’t have to figure out why you want to stop,” Neil replied. “If you want to stop, then we stop. I don’t need an explanation.” 

“Maybe I need one.” 

“That’s fair,” Neil agreed. “Whatever you need Andrew, I’m in.” 

_ And so, just don't give up, I'm workin' it out _

_ Please don't give in, I won't let you down _

_ It messed me up, need a second to breathe _

_ Just keep coming around _

_ Hey, whataya want from me _

Andrew asked Neil point blank one night on the roof. 

“What do you want from me?” 

Neil smirked. 

“Do not say just me,” Andrew intercepted. He didn’t want a blanket ‘you’ from Neil. 

“I want you to be comfortable,” Neil said. “With me. I want you to know that I would never hurt you and that you can say no at any time and it won’t change how I feel about you in the slightest. I want you to know that you’re it for me. That what we have is the realest thing I’ve ever known and if you think something as miniscule as not wanting me to touch you would ever make me leave this then you’re an idiot.” 

And well. Andrew supposed that’s what he got for asking Neil to tell him the truth. Andrew remembered once telling Neil that honesty looked awful on him. Andrew still believed this. Except this time it was because Neil’s honesty was far too genuine. Andrew could tell that Neil meant every word that he said. Having Neil’s honesty being directed at Andrew, more specifically Neil’s feelings for Andrew? It was enough that Andrew decided that despite knowing that he was in love with Neil Josten, it may be time to tell him. 

So Andrew did. And Neil reacted exactly like Andrew expected. He first tried to control his smile. As though it wasn’t something Andrew wanted to see. Then he said it back and made Andrew’s heart flip. Then he asked yes or no but Andrew didn’t let him finish and pushed forward to capture Neil’s lips with his own. 

Progress was not linear. Andrew knew that he would have to go through a lot more instances of no’s before he got to a yes that stuck. And just because it was a yes one time didn’t mean it would be a yes again. But Neil was here with him and loved him and it made Andrew want to try. 

Andrew’s mind could be a mess, but if there was one thing he was clear about, it was that he wanted Neil to stay. 

_ Just don't give up, I'm workin' it out _

_ Please don't give in, I won't let you down _

_ It messed me up, need a second to breathe _

_ Just keep coming around _

_ Hey, whataya want from me (whataya want from me) _

_ Whataya want from me (whataya want from me) _

_ Whataya want from me (whataya want from me) _

**Author's Note:**

> [say hi on twitter](https://twitter.com/bazerella)


End file.
